state of mind.

pizza

broadway

liberty

hope

shopping 

taxis

lights 

 crowds of people

sidewalk portraits

hot dog vendors 

central park

sky scrapers

subway rides

coach

prada

diversity

fast paced

excitement

where I wanna be...

praise you in this storm

Well, it's the Saturday after what was probably the hardest week and a half of my life and I can't help but be grateful for God.

I've been flooded with homework, makeup work , teachers who lack communication skills, and quizzes I didn't know about. Then I was struck down with a sore throat, stuffy nose and a fever which caused me to spend literally my entire day in bed yesterday and my homework and makeup work to seem insurmountable.

Not only did I have all that to deal with this week but I was still facing the shock of Grandaddy passing away.

At first I was in pure shock because it had happened SO suddenly. I had heard people speak of loss and had experienced distant loss a few times myself but no one as close or as precious as my own Grandfather. I felt like there were so many things I could've done to let him know I loved him and so many opportunities to hang out with him that I didn't take but I know there's no point in regrets.

Now, nearly two weeks later, I think what stands out most is the overwhelming peace I've experienced. 

I can't even fathom how upset I would be without the complete confidence I have in the fact that Grandaddy went to heaven. He was a strong christian man who lived out Christ in every aspect of his life. When he left this earth there was no doubt in anyone's mind about where he was headed. God took Grandaddy up on an early flight to heaven's pearly gates.

I have also had peace through this entire situation that God is in control and that he has everything planned out. Our arrival, our departure, everything. It may not match my plan or Granny's plan or anyone's plan for that matter because no one wanted Grandaddy to leave this soon, but GOD had it planned.

God knew we could handle it. He was there to comfort us with his unfailing love, to hold us up, to hug us and to give us the memories that carry us through.

I honestly think that this whole situation brought my family a lot closer. I feel closer to my parents, brother and sisters. I feel closer to my Dad who needed my support this time when it is usually the other way around. I feel closer to Mark and everyone else who wasn't afraid to show their emotions. I feel like my parents are a stronger pair then ever and I got to see how much they really need each other. I feel closer to my brother-in-law John who was a true family member and a father of Grandaddy's great grandson when it happened. I feel closer to my extended family because we all went through it together. I feel closer to Granny because I know she needs love now more than ever.

God works in mysterious ways, but IT WORKS.

Today I figured out that a friend I had met while in San Diego this past summer experienced the loss of her Brother and Sister-in-law today. They were tragically killed in an apartment fire and neither one of them made it out in time. I also figured out that my roommate's Mom who has been sick for a while is in the hopstial and they don't know if she'll make it.

I know that both of these families are experiencing a lot of sadness and hurt right now but I know God is in control. We can't figure out how his "mind" works and I'm not going to try.

I'm confident in his choices and even if I wasn't, they'd be made anyway. I'm praying for these families and that they'll draw closer to God through all of it.

I feel like life is an ocean and sadness comes in waves. I feel like that's were satan can come in and try and pull us under but if we hold on to God he will shelter us from the treacherous waters.

I know that I've become stronger through my sadness and I hope that my friends can say the same. 

"And I'll praise you in this storm 
and I will lift my hands 
for You are who You are 
no matter where I am 
and every tear I've cried 
You hold in your hand 
You never left my side 
and though my heart is torn 
I will praise You in this storm"

Death Beds   by: Billy Collins

The ancients were talkative on theirs,
so many agencies needed to be addressed:
the gods of departure who controlled
the seven portals of the world,
the ferrymen leaning on their smooth oars.
the eternal pilots, immortal conductors,
and that was just the transportation.

Japanese monks would motion for a tablet,
sometimes, an inkwell and a brush
so they could leave behind the dark,
wet strokes of a short poem-
a drop of rain on a yellow leaf.
One described the nigh clouds
and the moon making its million-mile journey.

Medieval Christians who could read
could read a treatise on the subject:
De Arte Moriendi, On the Art of Dying,
pages of instruction on what to do in bed,
how to set the heart right
how to point the soul upward
and listen to the prayer of one's own breathing.

Some pale Victorians in their tubercular
throes would ask for a looking glass
so they could behold the seraphic glow
the dry fever brought to their faces.
A few even had a photographer summoned
to open his tripod in the sickroom
and disappear under the heavy black cloth
as the subject, more or less, was doing the same.

Then there were the wits,
using their last breath to exhale a line,
a devastating capper, as if the world
were simply a large gallery buzzing with people,
and now it was time to throw on a long scarf
and make the exit, leaving
it to someone else to close the door.

Some lie on their backs for months,
students of the ceiling.
others roll over once and are gone.
Some bellow for a priest
and make the one confession no one doubts.
And you, and I, too, may lie on ours,
the vigilant family in a semicircle,
or the night nurse holding our hand
in the dark, or alone.
there will be no ink, mirror, or Latin book,
though the wallpaper may be tasteless
and you may feel yourself entering a myth.

I would hope for a window,
the usual frame of reference,
a clear sky, or thin high clouds,
and abundance of sun, a cool pillow.
And I would expect just at the end
a moment of pure awareness
when I could feel the solitary pea under the mattress
and pick out the dot of a hawk lost in the blue.

Grandaddy

He liked his scrambled eggs a little runny

and could eyeball grits by the pot.

He taught us how to mix them

with our bacon and eggs

to form a perfect combination.

Grandaddy had the energy of an athlete

with a need for adventure and tons of excitement.

He had a love of all things simple

and a hunger to glorify God

by living the life he was given.

His hug was as soft as a teddy bear

but firm and full of love.

Though his laugh was silent

it sent his shoulders shaking and

could fill up an entire room.

If Grandaddy was a smell,

he’d smell like the dirt and soil that caked his gloves

and surrounded the flowers in his garden.

He’d smell like magnolias & honeysuckle

like the overflowing bushes in their old backyard.

Grandaddy wasn’t worn down like the

deck of cards he’d pull out to draw us

together around the kitchen table

and we’d laugh at his knack for winning

and the fact that he was always the champion.

He was a frugal man

who’d question my Starbucks obsession

when he knew you could get better for less at McDonalds.

And he was never one to pass up a good biscuit

or the fizzy deliciousness of a diet mountain dew.

He was a gardener

an after dinner dishwasher

a listener

a discount shopper

a father

a fly-fisher

a helping husband

a quiet listener

a newspaper reader

a loyal friend

and now he’s an angel.

RIP JERRY MADDOX

1938 - 2011

thinking about

dream boats.

cute babies

starbucks, as always.

Mmm, you look nice.

NYC AND BOSTON

summertime

swimming at night

hott fashionable future husband.

chocolate

dying my hair

nail polish colorz.

finding a good book

relaxation

love... & apples.