August 10, 2010

over, over. 10-4.

Do you ever feel like you can't hear God? 

It's like I have a two way walkie-talkie and all his can do is listen to whatever I'm saying. I consistently pray and expect some kind of verbal holy answer to come blasting out of the sky but nothing happens. I end up trying to make a decision that I think god wanted for me, but I'm never completely sure of.

I just want to scream. " Come on, God. I need some feed back here! "

I frequently find myself doing really idiotic things when I can't hear God.

I remember the night I was trying to decide between UNCW and APP I kept saying "Ok If I'm supposed to go to APP, make something make a loud noise in the house.." 

First I heard something kind of quiet and I didn't know if it counted so i said 

"God, if I'm meant to go to APP make something make a REALLY loud noise!"

And low and behold our dyer jumped or something so here I am, an APP student.

Maybe I just don't know what to listen for, or maybe I'm just weird, but sometimes I feel like I'm making up God's voice in my head...

I've always had a vivid imagination and I feel like when I pray it tends to wander all over the place. I've realized that sometimes when I pray and I really want an answer, I hear this weird version of a voice in my head booming over my mind. It's almost like Morgan Freeman or something but I can tell it's still me. Like a strange version of prayer schizophrenia where I've just created this imaginary voice that tells me whatever I feel like God should be answering.

Slightly pathetic.

Have I been slightly misunderstanding what "hear" actually means. Maybe I'm listening for something that's actually not there at all. Maybe what people mean by "hear" God, is to just get a reassured feeling on your decision.

I read an acronym the other day that really stuck with me -
it's P.U.S.H.


So that's what I'm going to keep doing...even though I have NO idea when something will actually happen!

All I do know is that I need to get this communication thing under control because I'm tired of a faulty walkie-talkie...

roger that?


Brent said...

I hear you. I used to feel that same way - asking for signs, imagining a voice but knowing the whole time that it was my own voice, etc. I eventually gave that approach up and started going with my 'gut' and realizing that my gut is really the way that God guides me - giving me the insight and intuition to do what he wants me to do and what I know I should do. If that makes any sense. The voice - it's never going to come. Stop trying to listen with your ears. I think you pray for urgings or for insight and direction and that's the way it works. At least for me. Love you :)

Lauren said...

This was good and can so relate to this!!!!