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July 07, 2010

pondering

Sometimes I like to just sit on my bed and let my mind wander.
It's the true introvert inside of me. I like my alone time. I like to be able to just think, daydream and ponder life.

And while I've been in my room thinking, I've began to realize the awkward stage my life is in right now. Maybe I'm just reading into it or trying to make my life seem more eventful than it really is, but I find myself being somewhat unsure of what I want. I'm at that point where I'm beginning to wonder if what I've planned for my life is corresponding with what I truly, deeply desire. Have I been consistently trying to convince myself of what I want for my future instead of digging deep to find out the truth?

I feel like my life is a lap ahead of me and I'm just trying to keep up the pace. I'm sprinting at a speed I can't handle - is it really worth the struggle to maintain the stride?

I think my problem is that I just don't know. I don't know what I want to do with my life. I don't know what I want to major in. I don't know what my political view is. I don't know what I want in a guy. I don't know who I want to hang out with. I feel like I don't know anything.

I JUST DON'T KNOW. 

You know, it's funny how life hands you a timeline from the day your born. With grandparents, parents and siblings following the "picture perfect life", I feel a small obligation to follow in their footsteps. But shouldn't I be creating footsteps on my own?

Life puts pressure on me sometimes. How do I know if THAT ^ is what I want?
I've always considered myself a moderately confident and certain person... not cocky or self righteous but not unsure  with low self esteem either. But recently, I've found myself uncertain of my future.

It scares me. I don't like the unknown. I don't like the possibility of a single life. I don't like not knowing what to major in - what direction my life is taking. I don't like not knowing the plan.

But somehow in the midst of all this uncertainty, there's a sliver of excitement; be that a tiny, tiny sliver. I like the possibility of adventure. I like the spontaneity of an uncharted life.
And though it may seem easy to just let the wind take my sails upon whichever route it chooses, I can't help myself from steering. It's my life, I feel the need to grab the wheel.

Yet, deep down, I know when I let it go it will all fall into place.
All I have to do is get rid of my doubt and apprehension and forge on into the unknown.

...Easier said than done.







1 comment:

Emily said...

Hi Laura - I read your Mom's blog and that's how I stumbled upon yours. I had to comment on this entry and tell you something I recently learned that might make you feel better about not knowing about your future. You are at a time in your life where it is OK to be unsure. This is the time to think about all kinds of different plans for your future. Don't settle on a dream until you find one that is perfect for you. I recently found an old journal from college and I discovered that during those years I changed my mind a LOT...about guys, majors, career ambitions, etc. It is normal, Laura. One day I'm sure you will look back and discover that. I'm sure there are some people who know who and what they want to be from their first day in kindergarten. Kudos for them! But the self-discovery journey is one you should enjoy and never try to be anything other than who you are. That is who God made you to be!